Some pregnancies have been planned for months or years, but many are unexpected. Either way, you'll probably feel pretty mixed up. A baby means new responsibilities which, whatever your age, you may feel unready for.

Your feelings about pregnancy

Your partner may have similar feelings. It's normal for both of you to feel like this. Your first pregnancy is a very important event. It will change your life and change can be frightening even if it's something you've been looking forward to.

Money problems may be nagging at you - the loss of an income for a while, extra expenses for the baby and, if your partner returns to work, the cost of childcare. You may be worrying that your home isn't right or that you'll feel obliged to stay in a job you don't like. (It might help to look at the Rights and benefits section and start planning ahead.)

Some men feel left out. Your partner's attention will be on what's happening inside her and she may want you to pay a lot more attention to her needs than usual. You may not have realised how much you relied on her to make you feel cared for and now that her attention is elsewhere you may feel quite lonely.

Your loneliness may be increased if your partner doesn't want to make love, although some women find sex more enjoyable than ever. It varies from person to person. There's usually no medical reason to avoid sex, but keep in mind:

• her breasts in the early weeks may be extremely painful;
• if there's any bleeding or pain avoid intercourse (and consult your doctor);
• make sure your partner is comfortable - you may need to try different positions as the pregnancy progresses.

If she's not interested in sex, try to find other ways of being close, but do talk about it. If she feels that you're trying to persuade her to do something she doesn't want, she may withdraw completely leaving both of you lonely.
Some men find it hard to make love during pregnancy. They feel strange doing it with 'someone else there' or may find their partner's changing shape disturbing. This is one situation when it helps to be careful what you say. Your partner may well feel uneasy about her changing body and may be very hurt if she thinks that you don't like it either.

 

Talk about it

Confide in friends who are already fathers and will know what you're going through. You may want to protect your partner from your worries but she will almost certainly sense your concern. The more you keep it to yourself, the more she'll feel that you're moving away from her - just when she badly needs you to be there. If you're giving her the support she needs, then there's no need to leave your feelings out of
the picture.

Physical feelings

Believe it or not, men can get symptoms of pregnancy too! The most commonly reported ones are sleeplessness, indigestion and nausea. They are probably caused by stress, but are no less uncomfortable for that.

Supporting your partner

Something amazing is happening inside your partner's body. The closer you can get to her, the more you'll be able to share this experience. But at times closeness will seem impossible.

In the early weeks she may be prickly and irritable about the slightest things. Certain smells and tastes may make her nauseous. She may want only to sleep.

In the middle months you'll probably find that much of her energy returns and she may resent being treated 'like china'.

Towards the end the weight of the baby may drag her down. The tiredness and irritability of the early weeks often returns and she may start feeling quite frightened of the birth and be lonely without the company of friends at work. If your partner is anxious, encourage her to talk about it. Many women are more used to listening than being listened to, so it may take a while before she feels able to open up. Be patient - the better you can learn to support each other now, the stronger your relationship will be when the baby arrives.

Practical support

Your partner may be used to doing most of the housework as well as going out to work. If she continues to do all this work she'll tire herself out. Now is the time to start sharing the housework if you don't already do so. There are two areas where you can really help:

• cooking - in the early months the smell may put her off and if you cook she's more likely to eat what she needs;
• carrying heavy shopping can put a lot of strain on her back, so try to do the shopping yourself or together.

A friend in need

Pregnancy can be frightening so it will help if she knows that she's not alone. Start by reading the rest of this book with her so that you're both well informed. Some of the basic health advice is just as important for you as it is for her.

• Good eating is much easier if you're doing it together, so read this section and start picking up the food habits you'll want to pass on to your child.
• Cigarette smoke is dangerous for babies. If you are a smoker read this on how to stop.
• If you continue to smoke, don't smoke near your partner, don't offer her cigarettes and don't leave your cigarettes lying around.
• Go with her to the doctor if she's worried, or be sure to talk it through when she gets home.
• Be there if she has a scan and see your baby on the screen.
• If she needs to have extra tests your support is especially important.
• Find out about antenatal classes for couples, or fathers' evenings at the hospital. The more you know about labour, the more you'll be able to help.
• Most men stay with their partners during labour but it's important that you're both happy about it.
  If you prefer not to be present, talk to your partner. You may be able to think of a friend or relative who could accompany her instead.
• Talk about what you both expect in labour (see chapter 4 and chapter 11).
• Talk about the birth plan. Fill it in together so you know what she wants and how you can help her achieve it. Support her if she changes her mind during labour. Be flexible.
• During labour she'll be far too involved with what's happening inside to pay much attention to the people around her. You can be her guide and interpreter.

Paternity leave

Speak to your human resources department or your boss about the paternity leave entitlement in your company. More employers now realise that partners need time off when they have a new baby.

The birth - being prepared

A checklist for the final weeks

• Make sure your partner can contact you at all times.
• Decide how you'll get to the hospital (if you're having a hospital birth).
• If you're using your own car, make sure it works and has petrol, and do a trial run to see how long it takes.
• Remember to pack a bag for yourself including snacks, a camera and film, and change for the telephone.

Becoming a father

Watching your baby coming into the world is the most incredible experience. The midwives will give you the baby to hold. Some men feel afraid of hurting such a tiny creature. Don't be. Hold the baby close to your body. Feel the softness of the head against your cheek.

Many fathers experience very strong emotions; some cry. It can be very difficult to go home and rest after such an intense experience, so think through what your needs might be at this time. You may need to tell someone all about the birth before you can rest, but then sleep if you can. You need to recover from the birth too and, when the baby comes home (if the birth took place in hospital), you can expect broken nights for some time to come.

Bringing them home

You may find that relatives and friends are able to help in the early days so that your partner can rest and feed your baby. This is especially necessary after a difficult birth. However, you may live far from relatives and she may only have you. It's a good idea to have a week or so off work if you can. Think about the following:

• too many visitors may exhaust her and interfere with this special time when you are learning about being parents and a family;
• you could look after the baby so she can get a good rest each day;
• take over the basic housework, but don't feel you must keep the place spotless - no one should expect it;
• try to use this time to get to know your baby - you could learn to change nappies and bath your baby as well as cuddling and playing with him or her; if your partner is breastfeeding you could bring her a snack and a drink while she feeds the baby; if bottle feeding, you could sterilise and make up the bottles and share the feeding;
• when you go back to work you may have to make up for her lost earnings, but keep overtime to a minimum - you will want to continue learning about your baby and being there so you can watch your child grow and develop;
• be considerate about sex - it may take many weeks or months before she stops feeling sore; you could discuss other ways of showing your love for each other until intercourse is comfortable.

Feeling low

Some mothers become depressed and need a lot of extra support, both practical and emotional (see The baby blues and postnatal depression). You may also get depressed. Your partner is facing the biggest changes but that doesn't mean that you should ignore your own feelings. You need support too. Keep talking and listening to each other, talk to friends too, and be patient - life will get easier in time.